Relationships: Deal Breakers, Wants, etc.

Wowsa! This is something that I last updated in October 2006. I had actually forgotten about it, and found it in a directory of deprecated web site files. I’m actually glad that I ran across this, because it’s something that is once again applicable in my life. I’m going to keep this version from 2006 unchanged for this posting, but will write a new one that reflects the difference that three years makes. The lists, the criteria, etc., all are much changed, which I think just goes to prove the old adage that no man truly knows what he wants. :p

I think one of the biggest changes right off the top is that when I wrote this, I actually kept lists of names as referred to at the end of this post. In retrospect, that’s pretty strange. I don’t do that anymore, and I don’t think I have in at least two years or so. And that alone has been a great stress release. After my divorce, I was overly concerned about the opposite sex. Now, I could really give a $%*# less – it ain’t worth worrying about, basically. On top of that, my immersion into the world of figure skating and my trip to Australia have demonstrated beyond any reasonable doubt that the world is full of incredible women — more than I can count (or put onto a list).

The other big difference between this and what it would look like today is the children section. When I wrote this three years ago, the idea of welcoming children into my life was just emerging. Now, I actively WANT children. This again has been a by-product of the world of figure skating. I am forced to interact with children of all ages, from about 5 up, every single day. It’s absolutely unavoidable in this sport. Over the past year and a half, this has dramatically altered my world view on kids. I so wish I had my own little ice princess flailing around the ice and bonking her head on the boards, and I know now that I’d be a kick ass dad — and not just because I’d actually be on the couch before they would when iCarly or Hannah Montana comes on.

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Deal Breakers, etc., v2.3

Updated October 18, 2006

Introduction

This text will attempt to qualify, in as subjective of terms as possible (although that’s probably impossible), the traits that I seek in a future partner. It will also surely demonstrate the extent to which I have way to much time on my hands.

Sitting down to write out what you want in a life partner may seem to be a ridiculous exercise to most people, but both my life coach and the Machete of Truth have encouraged it. In an article on the subject of relationships and deal breakers, Zak defines the concept of a “deal breaker” as a condition or trait which, if existing, eliminates the other person as a potential partner. Some of these traits can be hard to quantify and end up being quite subjective, but many are objective and obvious.

Aside from just the deal breakers, my life coach agreed with me that it’s a good idea to have a “want” list, as well. Many things on the want list may well be the opposites of things on the deal breaker list, of course, but may include desirable characteristics that, if lacking, are not deal breakers.

When considering these factors, I also believe that it’s a good idea to be truthful with one’s self and look at characteristics that I have that are negative in nature and would be considered detrimental to the success of a relationship. I believe that, for most people, there is a strong correlation between personal faults and their deal breakers. For example, a person with delusional paranoia most likely doesn’t want to be in a relationship with somebody else with delusional paranoia, due to the psychological need for safety and security.

A danger in looking at things this way are that some individual traits may be viewed as positive by self and some, but negative by others. For example, I’m quite proud of the fact that I’m wired a little bit different from the average monkey, and this manifests itself as a sort of strangeness in my basic personality. Others may call me weird, odd, deranged, etc., but I look at it as if I’m having more fun than the rest of the herd. In fact, I would never want to be “normal” nor even part of the herd. Normal is boring, ordinary, and sucks the life force out of people. In fact, normal is a setting on your clothes dryer.

My life coach also suggested at one point that I also spend a bit of time looking at the positive qualities that I bring to a relationship. I had to ask around for help with this one. Although I tend to be an outgoing, optimistic, upbeat person, I actually have a really poor self-image and tend to dwell on my negatives, which is something that life coaching was trying to break me of.

So, as part of my never ending quest to quantify myself, I present my deal breakers, want list, positive characteristics, and relationship-impairing personal traits.

Deal Breakers

As mentioned above, a deal breaker is an item in and of itself that, if present in an individual, overtly disqualifies that individual from a relationship.

1. Drugs and smoking.
2. Children under the age of 3.
3. IQ less than 110.
4. Lack of advanced critical thinking and logical reasoning skills.
5. Less than 4’9″ or taller than 6’4″.
6. Greater than 9 year age difference.
7. Anti-Second Amendment and/or dislike or fear of firearms.
8. Presence of a poverty mentality or victim mentality.
9. Socialist ideology.
10. Bad spelling, grammar, and punctuation.
11. Limited vocabulary.
12. Skanky – by definition, this covers personal hygiene and communicable diseases.
13. Slutty – self-explanatory.
14. Excessive tattoos and piercings.
15. Being a homebody.
16. Emotional unavailability and emotional immaturity.
17. BMI in excess of 30.
18. Known presence of a terminal illness.
19. Physical handicaps that limit mobility or ability to participate in an active lifestyle.
20. Irreconcilable differences on child rearing philosophy (stolen straight from Zak’s list)
21. Apathy, lack of ambition, or general outright ambivalence towards life.
22. Anger management issues or violent tendencies.
23. Ugly (completely subjective).

It has been suggested that I also include the following as a deal breaker: Any clinically significant and socially/functionally impairing Axis I or II disorders under DSM-IV TR criteria. Basically, since I’m crazy myself, I figure I really shouldn’t fault anybody else for it. Besides, why suffer from insanity when you can enjoy every moment of it, together! Us crazy people have more fun. Nyah nyah nyah! Ahem.

Want List

The want list is fundamentally tied to the deal breaker list, but also includes an expanded number of desired attributes, but which lack thereof are not in and of themselves disqualifying.

1. A professional interest in one of the engineering disciplines or a hard science, such as biology, chemistry, physics, medicine, geology, or related field.
2. Active interest in critically discussing current events, philosophy, politics, science, and theology.
3. Comfortable around guns and actively interested in shooting them for fun.
4. IQ in the 125-150 range.
5. Well developed speaking, reading, writing, and cognitive abilities.
6. Spunky: Prefers an active, outdoor lifestyle; willing to travel; loves exploration – literally, to be out finding things; open to spontaneous travel & adventure.
7. Emotionally mature and well balanced; grounded; well developed sense of self.
8. Strong faith in chosen belief system with morals, values, ethics similar to my own.
9. Tolerant of other’s beliefs, cultures, etc.
10. If not fully libertarian, at least libertarian-leaning.
11. Ambitious and a sense of duty (to something – God, country, etc.).
12. Some level of creative talent.
13. Some level of devotion to environmental stewardship.
14. Somebody with an NT Meyers-Briggs personality temperment to balance my NF attributes.

Relationship-impairing Personal Traits

I know for a fact that there are several characteristics I possess that could be potentially damaging to any relationship. However, self-awareness is often not enough. Rather, proactive attention is required to either remedy or mitigate thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that can interfere with loving relationships.

Having been through the cycle of dating, marriage, divorce, and now back to dating, I have learned a lot about myself and what I must do to make a relationship work. My ex-wife has been a great source of information for this section.

1. Impatience, particularly in relation to the speed at which a relationship develops.
2. I lack just about any semblance of tact.
3. I can get extremely frustrated when I can’t figure things out.
4. I can be a real jerk at certain times.
5. I like to act crazy in public, just to get a rise out of people.
6. When given the opportunity and when consequences are minimal, I will embarrass you.

Positive Traits I Bring To A Relationship

The goal here is to define those qualities that I bring to a relationship that increase the probability of the relationship being satisfactory to both partners. I had to ask around for these, since I am the type of person that has difficulty with self-affirmation and tooting my own horn. Keri supplied a good number of these items.

1. Intelligence, logic, and rationality.
2. Commitment.
3. Caring and sensitivity.
4. Financial planning skills.
5. Temperance.
6. Keepings things fresh and alive with spontaneity and a spirit of adventure.
7. Confront relationship issues up front, rather than allowing them to simmer.

Children

This is a new section for version 2. I felt it was necessary to add this section for two very important reasons. First of all, one of the reasons cited by Keri in our divorce was the fact that I didn’t want children yet, and couldn’t provide an answer as to when I would be ready. I really don’t think that is a question that can even be answered until you ARE ready. Second, during my August 2006 trip to Utah it so happened that everybody cancelled on our shooting trip except for a lady and her two daughters, ages 7 and 9. It was the first time I had spent any length of time interacting with children. This was followed the very next day by a meeting with a girl in Twin Falls, ID that also had two children. That weekend opened my eyes to the reality of the fact that children could very well be a part of my future life. Due to my age, there is a strong possibility that my next wife could already have kids, and if she doesn’t, she could very well want them very soon.

I once again enlisted Keri’s assistance in this quest. I posed to her the following question, “Knowing what you know about me, what do you think
would be the biggest challenges I would face as a father? Particularly in the “step dad” role?”

Her reply included the following:

1. Overcoming your fear of injuring the children and actually taking on the responsibility.
2. Spending quality one-on-one time with your children and accepting the fact that they do stupid things.
3. Not leaving everything to your spouse when it comes to the children.
4. Not trying to spend all your time on the road for work to avoid the children.

I hope to be able to expand further on this section as more data becomes available.

The Lists

I personally believe that ALL men have a list in their heads, at all times, regardless of their relationship status, that ranks the women in their life on a scale. While I personally disagree with many aspects of ladder theory, my own concept is very much related. Read more about ladder theory if you want more information on it.

While ladder theory only provides for one ladder for men, I actually believe in three. This could be something unique to me, considering my ENFP+P personality temperment. Essentially, I believe that I have three ladders, which consists of the following:

1. Short List – the active list of women I currently consider for partnering with.
2. Long List – more akin to the male list described in ladder theory, this list describes individuals that I may fancy in one way or another, but that I either don’t know very well yet or may not qualify for the short list, with or without a reason.
3. Friends List – This list includes people that are just friends by my choice or circumstances, women that have LJBF’d me, and ex’s that I choose not to NEXT. All male friends, associates, and acquaintances are automatically on this list, due to my closet heterosexuality. The friends list, by definition, is an unordered list.

One of the difficulties with maintaining these lists in my head is that I often qualify as the hopeless romantic type. As such, I force myself to artificially cap the short list at three persons. In addition, the long list is incredibly flexible, and assigned numerical positions are really no more than approximations. The friends list, as previously mentioned, has NO ORDER at all. The long list presented here is probably nowhere near complete, and the friends list isn’t even a start, but is rather presented for my own amusement and sense of validation. Online user names are used where applicable, rather than real names (even if I do know them).

[Actual lists of names removed to protect the innocent.]